Ciao eroi viola,
As if triggered by the almost certain end of the football season, summer appears to have arrived a couple of months early. Sadly we’re not in a position to be able to take full advantage of the clement conditions, but at least we can (observing a safe distance from others and all government advice) collectively get outside and think about starting pre-season a bit early. For the moment we’ll have to satisfy ourselves with dreams of that marvellous point in future at which we’ll once again gather at Fortress Grists, trembling with anticipation at the opportunity to run rampant in the sunshine on the glorious turf, then fall, exhausted but well coiffed, into the comfortable bosom of the clubhouse for a gentle beverage or 4. It will happen, stay strong.
Not too many updates this week, largely due to the continuing situation, therefore the Peril is likely to focus on some of the historic highlights of yesteryear. Whilst mentioning historic highlights, it’s definitely worth mentioning some recent correspondence the club has received from Perry Parsons, a purple hero of the 60s and 70s alongside such luminaries as Pat O’Sullivan, Len Morriss, Peter Carling, Barry Groves, Paul Bayman, Dave Henson, Roger Middleton, Keith Narracott, Derek Hoad, Ike Mason, George Warren and Barry Mitchinson. This brilliant core were AFA Junior Cup runners-up in 1968 and won the Nemean League Division 2 Championship in 1969/70. Rumour has it this is the most recent OTFC league campaign victory. Perry, thanks for the note, made us all quite emotional. If anyone else from the history of OTFC would like to get in touch, please do so, we’d love to hear from you.
We are particularly fond of ‘blast from the past’ photos, so if anyone would like to send us any Tiff-related snaps from bygone seasons we would be most grateful. No matter what the era. We will happily display them on our website (our history of OTFC page could do with a facelift – https://www.otfc.org.uk/history/) and may even post a few on our various social media channels, or add them to future releases of the PP.
Whilst considering OTFC success, it’s impossible not to mention the famous 2011 LOB Intermediate Cup victory. Once we’re able, we’ll schedule an evening event with TW, Fuse, Jimmy, Sniffer and Dave Harry to talk through the campaign, answer questions, show off the silverware (assuming it was eventually rescued from a pub in Wimbledon), maybe sign a few photos etc. over a few beers in the clubhouse.
So, whilst we can’t get together in person, we can get together virtually and we need to ensure the club is in the best possible situation for the resumption of football festivities. The Chairman and The Secretary have scheduled a Club Committee Meeting tomorrow at 7pm. If you want to get involved in the planning for next season, and the running of the club in general, please shout and you will be immersed immediately. Everyone welcome, the more people we have helping out, the easier it is and the more we can do. The social team are currently looking at a variety of options for entertaining us all, again using the wide variety of comms tech available to us, so watch this space… In the interim, why not get the lads together for a virtual pub session? Hurrah.
At The Peril we believe rules are very important. Without rules we wouldn’t have a game to bring us all together. We’d never have witnessed the comedic cluster**** that is VAR. We’d never have played “Ou est Le Poulet?”. So, as the vast majority of you are capable of doing on the football pitch, please follow the rules.
We’ve seen social media update after social media update pointing out the individuals that seem to think social distancing doesn’t appear to them. The Peril has therefore decided to shine an unpleasant light on some of these imbeciles. Starting with joggers. As they stomp along the pavement towards us, face like an overripe tomato, panting and sweating, sometimes coughing, nostrils flared like a sexually aroused wildebeest, they fail to give the requisite 6 feet of space, swooping past close enough to provide a light coating of vapour composed of sweat, saliva and hot breath. Should you be unluckily enough to encounter one of these morons, Football has provided a few different techniques to deal with them:
1. The Nigel de Jong. Those of you that recall the 2010 World Cup Final will remember the impeccably timed challenge our Nigel made on Spanish genius Xavi Alonso. By firmly planting his studs directly into poor Xavi’s chest, Nige ensured that Xavi’s head remained at least 6 feet away from his own, as it whiplashed spectacularly backwards and into the turf. Nigel was shown a yellow card for this minor indiscretion, but given the fact most pavements don’t have referees, you should be able to get away with it free and easy.*
2. The Pepe. If you see a faster-than-average-moving-human, no matter how far away, aim to intervene before they can run towards you. Run up behind the potential offender, and just start kicking wildly, preferably catching their trailing foot and bundling them to the turf. You may then employ The Full Pepe, and continue to kick/slowly move forward until you are on the far side of the potential offender. You have then completed The Full Pepe, and have ensured the threat is neutralised.*
3. The James Kimber. If one of these rogues catches you unawares, and you don’t have time to employ either of the tactics above, don’t be afraid to go down. Hit the deck as fast as possible and let out the most blood-curdling scream you can muster. With any luck your team mates will appear and start pushing/headlocking the offender away from you whilst you make good your escape.
*Obviously this is a joke, please do not employ these tactics in real life. The Peril, and OTFC in general, do not condone violence in any form. Do don’t be afraid to go down though.
As stated in the previous iteration of The Peril, if there is anything we can do to support anyone in the wider club network, or beyond, please drop an email to email@example.com and let us know how we can help. We’ll try to bring the full force of the OTFC network to bear to do what we can to assist (obviously operating within advice provided by government).
Stay healthy chaps.
CALLING ALL FEMALE FOOTBALLERS:
Recruiting for OTFC Ladies next season
We are keen for any potential female players including current or former students to reach out to join the OTFC Ladies team. We are recruiting for anyone interested who would like to play competitive women’s football in a safe, friendly environment – training will take place for an hour on one evening a week at the Tiffin Sports Centre 3G pitch, playing competitive 11-a-side football on Sundays in south and south-west London as part of the Greater London Women’s Football League.
Please contact either Sophie Ramsbottom (SRAMSBOTTOM@tiffin.kingston.sch.uk) or firstname.lastname@example.org for more details.
Weddings, Births, Familial Events
We assume there is much going on, luckily the vast majority of it within the comfort of your own homes.
Mulch rose and shrub beds with a 5-8cm (2-3in) layer of organic matter. This will help retain moisture during dry spells, reduce weed build-up and over time improve soil structure. Pay particular attention to mulching around rhododendrons, azaleas and camellias, as flowering is impaired if they are allowed to dry out during late summer.
Feed trees, shrubs and hedges with a balanced fertiliser (such as Growmore or blood, fish and bone), sprinkling it over the root area before hoeing into the soil surface. This will particularly benefit young, weak, damaged or heavily pruned plants.