Purpetrators,
Welcome to 2020. Alright, so we’re a bit late to the party. But at least we’re here, more than can be said for any form of national common sense.
Many things happened since the last Peril. The vast majority had nothing to do with OTFC football, but they happened nonetheless. Most notably, the Grand Big Mac is currently back at your local Golden Arches. Get down there and cause yourself some digestive discomfort ASAP.
It’s also ski season, which means a weekly game of crap photo bingo for every member of every squad, as some numpty from their team posts a photo of themselves trying to look like Candide Thovex. Luckily, Sebastian is now back, although we have heard Dave Harry is planning his fourth trip of the winter.
I will assume that at least some of you are aware of “The Premiership”. Liverpool are running away from the rest of the pack like Meghan following an accidental meeting with Piers Morgan (the sort of accidental meeting where he happens to be carrying flowers, chocolates and a large net). The free-flowing football they’re currently producing is reminiscent of the great OTFC teams (cup winners 2011, please contact Mr T. Wightwick for further details). Unfortunately, some of our current performances are more akin to 2020 vintage Bournemouth.
The Groundsman has been bravely battling the local watershed of late, winning a bloody victory that enabled three whole games of football last weekend! We hear The Chairman is so impressed he has now offered to obtain some Tools for The Groundsman. His generosity knows no bounds. Prior to last weekend, some Away Football had taken place. The unifying theme of recent matches has been a vast majority of players questioning why we have so many Medium sized shirts in each kit bag. We have requested comment from the procurement department, but they have declined to respond, in a typically loud and abusive fashion.
Anyone who graced Grists last weekend should have noticed something about the clubhouse, that, for once, had nothing to do with Kimber removing his trousers. It’s been painted! But not just painted, the shower heads have been descaled! Definitely one of the best showers I’ve had recently. The water pressure was heavenly. It hasn’t just been descaled though, the screws in the kit hooks have all been replaced! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? I hear you all cry. Well, over the festive period, The Chairman pulled together a PLAN. The PLAN involved Sam Edgar, his Dad, some paint, some descaler, a screwdriver and some screws. I need not describe how overjoyed everyone was with the outcome, but they were. Should you see Mr Edgar, either Jr or Sr, at any point in the near future, please thank them and buy them a drink of some description (a Chairman’s special if you’re feeling flush).
So, football.
Before I get into it, we could always do with players. If you haven’t played for a while, we don’t give a **** if you’ve got half a boot, the distribution of an Amazon warehouse robot (which, admittedly, is pretty accurate) and the delivery finesse of Chris Grayling. Get back in, play a few games and enjoy the showers.
The 1s are treating the latter half of the season like Jurgen Koop treats a cup game, and haven’t yet turned out. There is much hope for this weekend. Apparently they’ll have linos and everything (away to Wandsworth Borough in THE CUP).
The 2s have indulged in back-to-back 3-0 defeats, ably assisted by various members of The Vets and 1s squads, and by a wonderful own goal from their Captain, who has finally succeeded in beating Seb.
The 3s won their first game of the season 6-0!! Hurrah. Well done chaps. A 1-1 draw, then an unfortunate 3-1 reverse followed, but an aggregate of 8-5 for the year is promotion material.
The 4s have WON BACK TO BACK GAMES. 3-1/4-1!! 6 points of glory achieved. Keep it up.
The 5s battled to a famous 5-4 victory, then saw the wrong end of a painful reverse. Swings and roundabouts chaps, keep plugging.
The Vets have played one, lost one, but fought heroically, if slowly.
There are many games of football this weekend. In the true spirit of Transfer Deadline Day, the 3s have transferred their entire squad to the 2s, enabling an incredible 3-6-1 sweeper-diamond hybrid to be seen in the AFC for the first time. Spectacle.
Get up, wash, shower, etc., put a warm coat on, put the family/dog/temporary lover in the car and head on down to Grists for a spectacle of footballing beauty. The bar is looking pristine, and The Chairman will definitely be up for providing guided tours of the uprated changing rooms, possibly whilst the teams are changing/showering. Bring a towel if you want to get involved.
GOLAZOS POR FAVOR. PING THEM IN FROM DISTANCE.
“The atmosphere here is thick and fast”
Chris Kamara
Weddings, Births, Familial Events
A vicious rumour is circulating that James Matthews Esq. has finally been taken off the market. More to come on this, the most exciting news we’ve had this year, as our investigative reporters delve.
Corrections
Still none. Disappointing.