Purps,
First, an apology. The Peril has been MIA for too long. A combination of writer’s block, international travel and abhorring the general standard of present UK journalism has defeated the editorial staff. We’re back now though. Still also waiting for that first glimpse of Thad’s Column.
The world appears to be intent on moving in the general direction of being an absolute disaster at the moment. Displays of human malpractice are evident and prevalent wherever The Peril looks. We were therefore overjoyed to see a proper footballer finally given the reins at a Premiership football club. Duncan Ferguson is truly a footballer’s footballer. Better in the air than Dave Harry, stronger in the tackle than a rampaging Sniffer and more abusive than James Kimber after a night on the Malbec. We can only imagine the dark, paralysing fear the Everton squad experienced as they trundled meekly into training on Monday morning, terrified at the prospect of a pre-training reducer if they didn’t select the right cereal for breakie (Scottish Oats, obvs).
We hope Mr Ferguson does well, he’s the kind of heart-on-your-sleeve leader we love down at Grists. For those of you unaware of Mr Ferguson, when he heads something, it stays headed. Rumour has it that, if the Everton job hadn’t come up, he was on the first flight to the US to take up a role as this generation’s Star Wars missile defence system. There are also theories that, had he not been distracted by coaching the Everton Academy in 2008, he could have headed Lehman Brothers back into profitability at the first sign of trouble, thereby averting the financial crisis in it’s entirety. A final statement on Mr Ferguson, taken from his Wikipedia entry: In 2001 two burglars broke into Ferguson’s home in Rufford, between Liverpool and Preston, at night. Ferguson confronted them and was able to detain one of them who subsequently spent three days in hospital.
We’ve missed out on quite a lot of football recently, but, before we get into that, The Groundsman has been in touch. He’d like to clarify that when he determines that Grists is unplayable, it is because it is precisely that, unplayable. If anyone would like to discuss the definition of playable vs unplayable with him, he’d be more than happy to entertain you. Preferably after dark. In the Grists car park. With a shovel.
Onto recent variations of the beautiful game then. The weekend three weekends ago saw blanket losses across the club. Highlights were limited, aside from the gleaming prospect of two actual Tiffinians making their debuts. Not only did they debut, they played an absolute cracker, with Nii bagging a debut goal via a Messi-esque slot into the bottom corner and Amarjit producing a statesmanlike and Busquets-imitating performance in the middle of the park. Well done chaps, guiding lights in these dark times.
The weekend two weekends ago saw the 1s quietly exit the cup (we’re a league club) and the 5s BAG THREE BIG POINTS AWAY AT DORKS. This included something not seen in modern times, a 40 yard screamer from Sniffer that many, many people have been and are still talking about. Congrats to Matty and co. Remaining games were victims of those ruthless, malevolent weather Gods.
The weekend last weekend saw the 1s get back to winning ways away at Wokes, Will‘s hair shimmering gently in the wind, and narrow reverses across the rest of the club. The whiteboards looked lovely though, and Nichols has invested in some new toilet roll for Grists that we hear is very gentle on the derrière. The weekend also saw the traditional Xmas social at The Spring Grove. Sounds like a wonderful event, albeit there is an apparent dearth of photos and banter, leading to questions as to whether the event actually happened, or whether it was just Fake News. The Chairman assures us it did indeed take place. He is certain someone has some photos, he just needs to find that person and will then relay them to The Peril. In the interim, here’s the most festive picture we currently have available.
So, more of the lovely stuff this weekend, some games at Grists, get down for beers, festively spirited football and SHOUTING. The 2s are away in Sidcup, our thoughts are with them at this difficult time.
Get up for it and bring us some festive purple points!
Toodles.x
“When you play a match, it is statistically proven that players actually have the ball 3 minutes on average … So, the most important thing is: what do you do during those 87 minutes when you do not have the ball. That is what determines whether you’re a good player or not.”
– Johan Cruyff
Weddings, Births, Familial Events
None mentioned this week, but there is rumour of an important birth in the near future.
Corrections
None. Pedantry appears to be suffering a lull over the Xmas party season.